{"id":470,"date":"2021-09-01T16:13:30","date_gmt":"2021-09-01T06:13:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/?p=470"},"modified":"2021-09-01T16:29:13","modified_gmt":"2021-09-01T06:29:13","slug":"microfiction-august-2021","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/archives\/470","title":{"rendered":"#MicroFiction, August 2021"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

These are the stories posted to Mastodon<\/a> during August 2021.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

1 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The glossy dramas tell you that as a werewolf you turn when you\u2019re hit by the light of the full moon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Poppycock. it can be overcast, you can hide in a concrete bunker wrapped in tinfoil, and you still turn. Not once a month, but twice, once at full moon, once at new moon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lycanthropy is nothing but spring tides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The pixie, had it been born in the age of roleplaying games, would be classified as Chaotic Good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It had just finished visiting Leibniz in his dreams, having sown a seed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now it was off at superluminal speed to see Newton while he slept.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thanks to special relativity, both had a valid claim to have discovered calculus first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCaptain, we have scanned the planet. It is forty thousand kilometres in circumference.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEarth-sized, then.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A pause. Then: \u201cCurious.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMr Data\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt is exactly forty thousand kilometres in circumference, within the limit of our sensors.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another, shorter, pause. Then: \u201cQ! Show yourself!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We met over celebratory drinks. Our work was worthy of the Nobel Prize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only\u2014Svetlana pointed out\u2014there are five of us, and Nobels are awarded to at most three laureates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next morning, Svetlana was found dead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The police say it was an accident, but I\u2019m not taking any chances. Now I only meet with Harold, Keiko, and Gabriel in public. The silences are awkward: we all know that while there are still four of us, there will be no Prize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is why cicadas are so noisy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy brood passes a lot of knowledge from generation to generation. For instance, we know that between generations, trees add exactly 13 rings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know who you are, but your claim that trees can add 17 rings between generations is preposterous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNext you\u2019ll be suggesting that there are other, parallel, broods that my brood can never meet because they breed \u2018between\u2019 our generations. Bug off!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My dog has over 50 words for \u201cwalk\u201d. Not in the way that Eskimos are reputed to; there\u2019s no nuance in the words. Rather, she learns each word after I use it a few times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPerambulation\u201d lasted a week. \u201cExcursion\u201d, ten days. \u201cPromenade\u201d, only three.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I learned a few foreign translations. \u201cProch\u00e1zka\u201d didn\u2019t even last one day. I don\u2019t even speak Czech. Why does my dog?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was the perfect swindle: memorize all the answers to past seasons of Jeopardy!, and then go back in time and compete.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I bet it all when the final clue on the board came up as a Daily Double.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t give Alex the correct answer\u2014who is trans actor Elliot Page<\/a>\u2014and I refuse to deadname him. So I say nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I come third. I may be a swindler, but I have morals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

8 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I like humans. They\u2019re my favourite alien species. I\u2019ve been watching them for the last fifty thousand or so of their years. But I was getting impatient with their slow pace of development. So I started helping them along by lighting supernovas in their galaxy to spark their curiosity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then my parents found out and they grounded me for 400 years. The humans must be wondering why the supernovas stopped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway, I\u2019m back, and boy, does Betelgeuse look tempting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

9 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband and I are walking home from the market as the sun sets. We\u2019d bought a goat and we\u2019d sold all but one of our cabbages. The road is deserted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He hops behind a bush and tosses his clothes over to me before the full moon rises. No probs, we\u2019ve done this dozens of times. Out trots my husband (what a tail!). We continue on our way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Soon we arrive at the river. There\u2019s only a small raft. I glance at the raft, then my husband, the goat, then the cabbage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDamn it,\u201d I curse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

10 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

King Harald had conquered the known world\u2014at least all the bits worth conquering\u2014but he was still worried that history would forget him. He summoned his advisor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI know that you have powers,\u201d said the king. \u201cMake it so that all the world knows my name, that it strikes fear into the heart of every man and woman.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt is done, Sire,\u201d replied the advisor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

King Harald Bluetooth<\/a> smiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

11 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think I adopted an invisible cat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first sign was rustling in the bushes followed by a cacophony of angry birds. Then my dog started barking at a corner of the garden.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I left food out overnight and it was gone in the morning. This afternoon I left the door open, just in case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And tonight, I was rewarded: there\u2019s a depression on the quilt, and it\u2019s purring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

12 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our next guest on the Antiques Spaceshow is Yawei, who’s brought along a planet. Have you had it long, madam?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can see the hallmark on this northern glacier here, it\u2019s a Magrathean design, an award-winning design.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It seems to be a bit tarnished, did you try to clean it yourself, madam? You immersed it in water 6000 years ago, yes, well, maybe don\u2019t do that again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I recommend that you get this planet insured as soon as you get it home. It\u2019s probably worth at least eight Ningis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

13 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the moon is full, the dogs of the neighbourhood howl. They are actually telling each other ghost stories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRuby woke up one morning and her humans were gone!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBailey found himself tied up, covered in sushi, and surrounded by all of the neighbours\u2019 cats!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRex looked at the wrapper for the treat that he just ate, and it said: CHOCOLATE!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

14 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are downsides to being the world\u2019s most famous movie producer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Caption: 48 HOURS EARLIER<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I step into the elevator car, and just as the doors close, a man rushes in wielding a ream of paper. He makes a beeline for me. \u201cI\u2019ve got this great idea,\u201d he beams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Caption: NOW<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c\u2026So in chapter 85, our hero, having evaded the zombies, discovers a secret city of Amazons\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I slump further in my seat and pinch the bridge of my nose. Space elevator pitches are the worst.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

15 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s hard work being an astronaut. Sure, the views of Earth are spectacular. But you miss things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I miss trees, and my cats, and silence, true silence without the soft drone of a machine keeping me alive 24\/7.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But most of all, I miss \u201cup\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

16 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Su Song was proud of his teleporter. He demonstrated it to the Emperor, moving a dog from the docks to a spot before the throne.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only the Emperor noticed the dog sway as it materialized. Educated, he suspected conservation of momentum: the dog had been on a different spot on the rotating Earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next summer, the teleporter went on the Emperor\u2019s campaign against Tibet. Rocks from Andean foothills came out of the teleporter at twice the speed of sound. The Tibetans had no chance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

17 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat is your first wish?\u201d said the genie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMagnetic monopoles,\u201d I declared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut they\u2019re useless. That\u2019s why we optimized them out of the universe to begin with.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI know, but I want Maxwell\u2019s equations to be more symmetrical.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A pause. \u201cIt is done.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I felt nothing different, except the vicarious satisfaction of a million engineering students.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

18 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m still trying to find my home timeline. This one feels close. The only difference that I\u2019ve found so far is that absolutely no one disputes the spelling<\/a> of the children\u2019s book series The Berenstain Bears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps I can fix that with a bit of judicious online trolling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

19 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The animosity between Boomers and Millennials, both now long dead, became legend. Then one scholar noticed that all the Boomers were born before 1965, and all the Millennials after 1985.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One researcher suggested that no one was born in the intervening 20 years. Another thought that they all died in early childhood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A user in a forum posited a missing, undocumented generation, and gave them the standard letter for the unknown, X.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They were laughed out of town.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

20 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have a habit of collecting paint sample cards from the hardware store, because of their silly names.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get a load of this one:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whisper Mist
Celadon Dream
Tundra Forest
Bottle o’ Beer<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or this one:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chiffon Pride
Linen Candy
Musky Carnation
Dangerous Whelk<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or this one:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Help I’m
Trapped Inside
A Paint Can
Release Me<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I bought a sample pot of Release Me. It’s sitting on the table in front of me and I’m debating whether to open it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

21 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like many secondhand bookshops, mine has a cat, or I should say Cat, because that is her name. Cat is a dragon. She\u2019s more useful than an actual cat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consider this paperback of Sh\u014dgun, which turned up yesterday in a box. Nobody wants that book, and I\u2019ve already got two on the shelf. Cat! Take. Good girl. Bye!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019ll take that airport novel onto the roof and incinerate it safely, giving me back precious shelf space for books that people will actually buy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

22 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The magnate-turned-supervillain points his gun at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLet me get this straight,\u201d I summarize. \u201cTime travel is banned, not because of paradoxes, or ethics, but because it\u2019s a threat to your business model<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As he aims, a sphere of light surrounds me, along with an older version of me. \u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d says Future Me. I must have a confused look on my face. Wasn\u2019t time travel banned? \u201cHis business model wasn\u2019t sustainable,\u201d explains Future Me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The world outside the sphere vanishes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

23 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a pretty ordinary house. Two storeys, five bedrooms, three bathrooms, and an interdimensional portal to another world in the basement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t really know what do do with the portal until a friend who\u2019s into fitness noticed that the world on the other side has slightly higher gravity than earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now I make ends meet by renting the spare rooms out to weightlifters and marathon runners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

24 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I found The Dictionary in an antique bookstore. Not A<\/em> Dictionary. The<\/em> Dictionary. The one that prescriptivists keep banging on about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do I know? I took a pencil and wrote a definition for \u201cirregardless\u201d into it, and thereafter no one complained about the word again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My job now is to write every new word I hear into The Dictionary. Today, I\u2019m finally making \u201cfetch\u201d happen<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

25 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one is allowed to live next to the magic factory. There would be \u2026 side effects. So the factory is surrounded by meadows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I first suspected that my bee hive was visiting the magic meadows when I watched their waggle dance. It was more elaborate than usual, almost choreographed. When the bees started making tiny tutus for their dance, I was certain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t wait to try this honey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

26 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In California, all chocolate products are required to carry this notice:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSAFETY WARNING
From the Lycanthrope Care Society<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cChocolate is poisonous to werewolves during the full moon. If you have a werewolf in your life, please ensure that at least a day before full moon, all chocolate and cocoa has been removed from your premises or consumed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t have any werewolves in my life but I\u2019m totally using this as an excuse to binge that whole block.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

27 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My name is June. My mother\u2019s name is May and her mother\u2019s name is April.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You might think that this is cute and saccharine, but it\u2019s an absolute pain when computers get involved. For instance, I\u2019m making a family tree, and no<\/em>, Excel, my daughter is not<\/em> called July.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her name is Julia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

28 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like a lot of people, I\u2019ve been working from home a lot this year. My cat hates it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t realize how much he hates it until I started getting emailed interview appointments for jobs I hadn\u2019t even applied for. My cat has learned to type.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I asked him if these jobs were for me or for him. He deliberately curled up on top of my laptop keyboard and went to sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

29 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am in my one-bedroom cabin with my best friend. \u201cIt\u2019s nice and quiet here but this little fellow\u2014\u201c Orville swoops down from the rafters and perches on my shoulder \u201c\u2014means I usually wake up shaped like a pretzel.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My friend says what everyone says. \u201cHe\u2019s small, why don\u2019t you just move him?\u201d Orville is about the size of a chihuahua.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDragons fly using antigravity. He\u2019s graceful now, but when he\u2019s asleep, he has a deadweight of forty kilograms.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

30 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the Zombie Wars began, there was a lot of misdirected anger at the other Undead. The Mummy community bore the brunt of it. A lot of humans couldn\u2019t or wouldn\u2019t tell the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There was a prolonged lawsuit and, finally, a court ruling: a Mummy was an Undead that got drier as it aged, and a Zombie was an Undead that got moister as it aged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Mummy community celebrated with a giant symbolic Jaffa Cake<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

31 August 2021<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I taught the image-generating AI to invent human faces. Every day it would display the portrait of a random person who never existed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One day it generated an image of a middle-aged black woman with tight curly hair. This was unremarkable, but the next day it drew a different picture of the same woman. From then on, the AI always portrayed this woman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s impossible to know what an AI is thinking, but I like to believe that in this person the AI has found its self-portrait.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

These are the stories posted to Mastodon during August 2021.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":3,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"anyone","activitypub_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[68],"tags":[69,70],"class_list":["post-470","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-microfiction","tag-microfiction","tag-microfiction-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/470","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=470"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/470\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":472,"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/470\/revisions\/472"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=470"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=470"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.icemoonprison.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=470"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}